bye for now

Yesterday midday I took a break to eat my lunch and I went by my grandma's house where my mom and uncle were caring for her. As each day had passed we'd known that the end was drawing closer. Within fifteen minutes of my being there she took her final breath. There was no pain, no struggle, no discomfort. It was just as we had prayed it would be. At 91 years old my sweet sweet Marjorie Jean passed away in the presence of two generations of children she had raised and raised well.

Although we will miss her more than words can even begin to portray, the greatest gift that anyone could have allowed anyone was the life that we were able to share with her.

She was the ultimate in a nurturer and caregiver that any one could ever have or be. It never mattered who you were, if you were in her house, in her presence, she was going to take care of you. She cooked dinner for her family nearly every night, burning it often because she was distracted by helping someone with something else at the same time. Once dinner was served, she was the last one to sit down every time. Always running about the kitchen getting someone a drink, a napkin, another helping.

She was the ultimate in showing what unconditional love meant. There was not one person that she met that she didn't love and welcome without judgment. Even when she was wronged, she never held hard feelings towards that person (which sometimes made the rest of us upset that she wouldn't even defend herself). There was not one moment in my whole life that I questioned whether or not she loved me, whether or not she cared for me, not even whether or not she was upset with me. With her, you were always given a blank slate, always given a chance to start again, to try again.

Her life was focused on others. She graduated college in Michigan at a time when most woman weren't going to school. She served her country, as did my grandfather, but ranked higher than him in her service to the Navy. After being a stewardess (they were still called that), she became a nurse, naturally, and I am sure that every hand she touched knew that they were never going to be overlooked in her care. She had four children and raised my grandfather's son as her own. She had eleven grandchildren, six great grandchildren, and a lot of pseudo grandchildren in our friends and neighbors. Her daily life was planned around what we were doing and where we were going. Together with my grandpa, she would pick us up from school if needed, take us to art lessons, dance classes, soccer practice. Whatever we did, they were a part of. Weekends were filled with work around the house and in the yard and on the sidelines of our soccer games, eating her gram crackers and drinking cranberry juice.

Because of her I know what love is. Real love. I watched her as she showed it to her husband, her children, her grandchildren, any friend we ever brought into her house or introduced her to at one of our soccer games as much as one human has the capacity to. Because of the legacy that she started, my uncles and my mom were able to have the lives they have, find the loves of their life, build a family that they could love, raise, teach and continue the selflessness that she bestowed on them.

She will be forever missed and I will forever long to be with her again. However, as she said every time we left her house, this is only "bye for now." There will be another time, in a better place, that we are together again.

She left this earth one day late for her 62nd wedding anniversary date and I know William was waiting for her to arrive. I am sure that they are celebrating like mad the amazing, long, blessed life that they both had, Cat Stevens playing in the background, ice cream bowls in hand.

life simplified

Life this week has been challenging at best. As you know from this post, I just lost my grandfather (my dad's dad), and as you know from this post, we went to his funeral last Saturday (on my birthday). I truthfully didn't mind at all that it happened to be on the same day. The way that I feel about it, life is bigger than birthdays. Birthdays are great reasons to celebrate, don't get me wrong, but I'm not someone who feels that the day of my birthday should be all about me. So that was last weekend...

Then came this Monday, my grandma (mom's mom) who is ninety-one years old, and who's goal was to live to the year 2000 (we're almost 12 years past that people!), had to go to the hospital with some seriously ailments. By Monday night she was fully sedated and on a ventilator. A great friend of our family who has been a nurse for a long time, calls my grandma her mentor, and helped us through the trial that was my mom's dad's death, thought for sure my sweet Marjorie wasn't going to make it. We were at peace with that knowing that she lived an amazing and long life. Now, tonight, she is doing much better. Breathing on her own, no longer sedated, talking again. We don't know how, we just know that she is. Miracles people...seriously.

All of that on top of all the rest of life that must go on. All I could keep thinking was that I needed to work as much as I could and log as many hours as possible at the Pilates studio so that if, or when, she passed I could be there.

The real story here though is about all the things we typically surround ourselves with and all the things that we typically spend our time doing. We do so much, thinking, hoping, and even praying that it will some day make us happy. I realized in these crazy days when all you can do is take care of your basic needs and be there for the people in your life, that those things we've been given are the only "things" that can make us truly happy. I hope that the quote above gives you some perspective, as it has for me, that we really do already have everything we really need. Our families, our friends, the people we choose to have in our lives are priceless. The time we have is not guaranteed but that love and happiness that we can share with each other is. Go love on someone who loves you and needs you.

Don't forget that today is the last day to enter the GIVEAWAY! 

Maybe you can send a real "snail mail" card to your grandma. 

xoxo

loss

Losing a loved one is never easy but after you watch them in pain you know that what comes after this life, is better than the life they are living. Of course, you'll miss them, but their being free of pain and hurt is more important than any selfish desire you have for them to continue on living so that you don't have to experience the grieving of their going. 

Most of time when life deals me something difficult, I find solace in a song. When I lost my grandfather (mom's dad) just two short weeks before our wedding, I found comfort in "When All Is Said and Done" by  Tyrone Wells. Now, after the passing of my dad's dad, I find comfort in another of Tyrone's songs. (Hear it here.) The comfort I find in this song is not because the words themselves are reassuring but rather because the words remind me that death is something we all experience. Every one of us is guaranteed it. When we recognize that and take it to heart we can lose the fear that is often felt about dying. I can honestly say the fear I have of my loved ones death is greater than the fear I have of my own. So with each one lost I find hope and peace in knowing that it's another familiar presence to be found when I pass from this life onto the next. There isn't a song of Tyrone's I don't love, he is an amazing singer and songwriter as well as a great friend. 

Let Go

time, will rob you blind, take everything you have to offer
love, sweet when it comes, saves all us beggars, priests, and authors
and oh, how do we let go when someone we love slips away in the shadows
well it's hard to see you go, 'cause you mean everything to me
and the seeds that you have sewn will live on deep inside of me

it's time, you're leaving now
your hands are cold as I kiss your brow
and I will try, but I don't know how
to let go
to let go

years, fly without fear, turning a boy into a father
and now he smiles, through tears down the isle
as he gives away his youngest daughter
and oh, how do we let go when every new step leads us into the unknown
and it's hard to see you go, 'cause you mean everything to me
and the seeds that you have sewn will live on deep inside of me
it's time, you're leaving now
your hands are cold as I kiss your brow
and I will try, but I don't know how
to let go

and every new morning, all I can do
is hold onto the promise that we all hope is true
that when it's all over, when this life is through
I'll wake up in heaven and run to find you

well it's still hard to see you go, 'cause you mean everything to me
and the seeds that you have sewn will live on deep inside of me
it's time, you're leaving now
your hands are cold as I kiss your brow
and I will try, but I don't know how
to let go
to let go
to let go
to let go

Grandpa Hansen, I'm thankful for the memories we share. The songs you sung, the spoon playing you taught, the art you inspired with. I'm thankful for stories of your growing up in South Dakota and your family there. I'm thankful I got to watch you dance at our wedding and that almost every time after you told me that it was one of the best memories of your life (probably because of all the ladies around you!). All of these things I will count as blessings until we met again. I know that you are entertaining the angels.

Grandpa Dale Leroy Hansen

April 12, 1932 - October 30, 2011